Are You Making (a specific) Relationship(s) Mean You Have to Hold Back?
Have you ever caught yourself holding back in or due to a relationship?—not because someone explicitly asked you to, but because of an unspoken dynamic?
This can happen in your romantic relationship, with a business partner, team member, colleague, family, or even close friends, and it’s not always obvious.
You’re not actively being told to hold back, but something in the dynamic—spoken or unspoken—has you feeling like you can’t fully express who you are. There might be unspoken agreements and expectations in the dynamic. Or even judgements, or projections, that you’ve ended up picking up.
No matter what, it means you’ve gotten pulled into a role (or set of roles) in the Drama Triangle: The Rescuer, The Victim or The Aggressor, also known as Perpetrator. (I’ll go into the subtle and not so subtle ways the Drama Triangle plays out in our lives, and how to step out of it, in another email soon).
So you end(ed) up holding yourself back.
Maybe you’re toning down your successes, keeping quiet about your dreams, or even avoiding saying what’s really on your mind.
It’s subtle. Easy to miss at first. But over time, it starts to feel like you’re shrinking yourself.
If this resonates, here’s the truth: it’s not just about the other person. It’s about the meaning you’re giving the relationship and what it reflects about your inner world.
The Subtle Patterns of Holding Back
We often think holding back looks like obvious self-sabotage, but in reality, it’s much more nuanced.
Here are some ways it might show up:
You downplay your accomplishments to avoid making someone else feel uncomfortable.
You stop sharing your big dreams because you’re afraid of judgment—or worse, indifference.
You adjust your energy or personality to “match” someone else’s, fearing you’ll overwhelm them.
You say “yes” when you want to say “no” to avoid conflict or disappointing someone.
These patterns often stem from subconscious beliefs like:
✨ If I shine too brightly, I’ll push people away.
✨ If I grow too much, I’ll leave them behind.
✨ If I’m fully myself, I’ll lose their approval or love.
Over time, these beliefs don’t just hold you back—they create misalignment in your relationships. And the more you suppress your authentic self, the more disconnected you feel from who you really are.
Relationships as Mirrors
In my 1st bestseller book Remember Who You Are, I talk about how relationships are one of the most powerful mirrors for self-discovery.
When you notice yourself holding back, it’s not just about the other person—it’s about what that dynamic is reflecting back to you.
Here are some questions to explore:
What part of me feels unsafe expressing my full self in this relationship?
What belief am I holding onto about my worth or my role in this dynamic?
Am I making their reactions, emotions, or perceptions more important than my truth?
Often, the fear of being “too much” or “not enough” stems from our Core Survival Pattern and the past — survival mechanisms you developed long ago that no longer serve you.
Why Holding Back Hurts Everyone
You might think that by holding back, you’re protecting the relationship. Maybe you tell yourself, “I don’t want to make them uncomfortable,” or “I need to keep the peace.”
But here’s the thing: holding back doesn’t serve anyone.
When you suppress your truth, it creates:
A barrier to real connection: Authentic relationships thrive on honesty and vulnerability. Holding back prevents you from building the trust and intimacy that make relationships meaningful.
Unspoken resentment: Over time, not expressing yourself can lead to frustration—both with the other person and yourself.
Misalignment: The relationship remains stuck in old dynamics, unable to evolve as you grow.
Lost potential: Losing sight of your own growth and purpose.
On the flip side, showing up as your full, unapologetic self and not holding back anymore, something incredible happens:
You create deeper, more authentic relationships.
You feel more aligned, confident, and expansive.
Your heart is more open, which leads to deeper connection for everyone involved.
You inspire others to step into their truth alongside you.
You become magnetic.
How to Stop Holding Yourself Back
If you’ve recognized yourself in this, don’t worry. Awareness is the first step to transformation.
Here’s how to start:
1. Identify the Story
What are you making this relationship—or the other person—mean about you?
Are you afraid of judgment or rejection?
Do you feel responsible for their emotions or success?
Are you trying to fit into a role you’ve outgrown?
Write down the story you’re telling yourself and ask: Is this really true?
2. Reconnect With Your Truth
What does being your full, authentic self look like? Take time to reflect or journal:
What parts of me am I holding back?
What would change if I showed up fully in this relationship?
How can I express myself in a way that feels aligned and true?
3. Open a Conversation
If it feels safe, share your insights with the other person. Sometimes, our fears about how they’ll react are rooted in assumptions, not reality.
For example:
“I’ve realized I’ve been holding back because I was afraid of how you’d feel. But I really want to share more of who I am and what’s important to me.”
“I’ve been keeping quiet about some of my dreams, but they’re a big part of who I am, and I’d love to share them with you.”
The fastest way to reconnect deeply and tune into your truth is by clearing the charge, so you can fully come back into your body and centre, and remember who you are.
This will also help in identifying what’s going on in the first place.
Then, it’s important to follow it up with action, so you can embody the shifts;
Maybe you need to express yourself and share what’s come up for you with the person you’ve been feeling held back by (see above). Maybe you need to take some different form of action. It depends on what’s come up.
Generally speaking, what comes up will most likely feel (highly) uncomfortable at first. The gold lies in facing it and confronting your fears (or stories of defensiveness), so you can free yourself from its shackles.
Remember, your light isn’t something to hide—it’s something to share. And the relationships that matter most will grow stronger when you bring your full self to the table.
The Ripple Effect of Showing Up Fully
When you stop holding yourself back, something incredible happens:
You create deeper, more authentic relationships.
You inspire others to step into their own authenticity.
You deepen the connection and trust in your relationships.
You feel more aligned and confident in every area of your life.
Remember, your light isn’t something to hide—it’s something to share. And the relationships that matter most will grow stronger when you bring your full self to the table.
And really, this is about more than just relationships—it’s about fully embracing who you are and what you’re here to create.
If you’ve been feeling like you’re shrinking yourself in any area of your life—whether in relationships, business, or your personal growth—it’s time to take action.
Through The Ultimate Breakthrough Journey (my version of The Spiral), we’ll clear the subconscious patterns, emotional baggage, beliefs, conditioning and upper limits that are keeping you stuck. Together, we’ll create the clarity, freedom, and alignment you need to show up fully and lead with confidence.
If you’re keen for ongoing support after The Ultimate Breakthrough Journey (my version of The Spiral), apply for the Aligned Leaders Mastermind now or inquire about 1:1 options.
✨ Your next level of leadership, growth, and fulfillment is waiting. Are you ready to step into it? ✨